✅ Working through Arguments

especially when its been building up..

Some thoughts on arguments, miscommunications, and finding solutions in relationships

Hey y’all,
So… my wife and I have been out of sync the last few weeks. Probably a month and a half, if I’m being real.
We weren’t yelling or slamming doors, but it was there… That undercurrent. That heaviness.
And I waited to say anything until I had time to sit with it. To actually work through it.
This post is the result of that. Not a perfectly resolved love story. But a few honest thoughts about how we got through it, and how we keep finding our way back to each other when things get overwhelming.

This isn’t just about marriage. This could be about any relationship where two people want to stay connected but are struggling to feel seen.

📌 TABLE OF CONTENTS

(Feel free to jump to the part that speaks to where you are right now.)

• 🪞 It’s Not Always Going to Feel Good
Why discomfort isn’t always a sign that something’s broken—it might just mean it’s real.

• 🥣 You Can’t Serve a Cake That’s Half-Baked
On why sitting with emotion is sometimes more helpful than trying to explain it mid-boil.

• 📜 I Made a List
How I moved from emotional overload to clarity—by breaking everything down into categories.

• 🛠️ The Reflection Framework
A simple 5-step process for unpacking tension and identifying next steps.

• 📋 Example: Shared Responsibilities at Home
A general walk-through of the framework using one common area of life.

• ⏳ Why This Works
What I noticed once I had clarity—and how it helped take the pressure off.

• 🧭 Misaligned Energy, Not Just Miscommunication
The surprising root cause behind most of our tension.

• 💡 Every Relationship Has Different Roles—And That’s Okay
Why equality doesn’t mean doing the same thing—and how complementary roles can restore balance.

• 🌿 This Doesn’t End with a Fairy Tale
What resolution actually looks like—and how we’ll probably have to practice it again.

• 📝 Something to Reflect On
A few journaling prompts to sit with—especially if you’re still in it.

• ☕️ Book Your Coaching Call
Whether it’s your first session as a member or a follow-up, I’ve opened up time this week to support folks navigating relationship tension, emotional overwhelm, or just wanting help getting clear. Link to schedule is at the bottom of this post.

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🪞IT’S NOT ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL GOOD.

There’s this quiet panic that can creep in when a relationship doesn’t feel good.
When you’re angry, frustrated, confused, when it’s been days or weeks and you’re just… not connecting. You start to wonder:
Is something wrong with us? Are we drifting? Are we broken?

I used to think that way too. But the truth is: it’s not always supposed to feel good.
You’re not always going to be in sync.
You’re not always going to be “head over heels.”
And honestly, I don’t think we’re supposed to be.

Growth in any area—whether it’s your discipline, your self-worth, or your relationship—requires you to confront the parts that aren’t working. And confronting things never feels great.
So if things don’t feel great right now, that doesn’t mean something’s wrong.
It might just mean something’s real.

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🥣YOU CAN’T SERVE A CAKE THAT’S HALF-BAKED
Why sitting with it is sometimes the most loving thing you can do

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn, especially in this last season with my wife—is that just because I feel something deeply doesn’t mean it’s ready to be shared.
Sometimes anger isn’t a signal to speak, it’s an invitation to sit still.

And it’s not about bottling things up or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about cooking.

Here’s what I mean:
When something hurts, when you're disappointed, when you're frustrated, you start baking.
The thoughts, the emotions, the arguments, they go in the oven.
And if you pull it out too soon? You’re handing someone a half-baked mess.

And we’ve all done it.
You start talking when you're still in the middle of that raw, emotional heat.
You throw your pain on the table because you just want to be heard, or you want the pressure off, or you want to make your point.

But what you’re really doing is asking the other person to finish cooking it for you.
To sit in the mess with you.
To make sense of something that you haven’t even made sense of yourself yet.

And that rarely goes well.

What I’ve been learning, and what I’ve had to put into practice over and over—is that sometimes, you just have to let it finish baking.
You have to sit with it.
You have to walk.
You have to journal.
You have to breathe.
You have to let that emotional spike settle down, so you can actually figure out what it is you’re trying to say, and why it matters.

Because when it’s ready, when it’s done—what you offer is totally different.
It’s not just a reaction anymore. It’s clarity.
It’s not just pain. It’s perspective.
You’re not just venting. You’re showing up with something you’ve taken the time to reflect on, clean up, and prepare.

That doesn’t mean you’ll always get it right. I definitely haven’t.
But the difference between dropping your anger mid-boil versus offering something thoughtful, that difference is everything.
It’s the difference between having a fight and having a breakthrough.

So if you're in it right now—if you're feeling that urge to lash out, or dump everything you're carrying, maybe just pause.
Let it cook a little longer.
Don’t serve it raw.

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📜 I MADE A LIST

At one point I was holding onto like, twelve different things I was mad about.

But if I had dropped them on my wife without reflection, without compassion—they would’ve landed like accusations, not invitations to grow.

So instead, I got it all out on paper.
I wrote out every single frustration. What happened. Why it hurt. How I interpreted it.
Then I asked myself: “What’s the real issue here?”
And even more importantly: “Can I say this without the emotion attached?”

That process took time. I journaled. I walked. I meditated. I talked to myself. I vented in voice notes.
But eventually, I could look at my list and say:
“Okay. I’m not just mad. I’m hurt. I’m tired. I feel misunderstood. And here’s why.”
That’s a very different energy than: “You always do this and you never do that.”
It gave me a path forward that didn’t rely on blame.

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Here’s the actual structure that I used:

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🛠️ THE REFLECTION FRAMEWORK

Here’s the 5-step reflection I used to sort through what I was feeling and start thinking about what might actually help.

You can apply this to any area where tension shows up—whether it's emotional support, finances, family obligations, work, intimacy, or parenting.

For each category or issue, walk through:

1. What I’m Angry (or Hurt/Frustrated) About
→ This is where you get honest. What’s bothering you? What feels off? What’s been weighing on you emotionally—even if it feels “small”?

2. What They Might Be Experiencing
→ Step outside your own story for a second. What might be going on for them? What pressure, fear, or misunderstanding could be shaping how they’re showing up?

3. The Tangible Issue or Pattern
→ What’s actually happening on a regular basis that’s creating the tension? Strip it down to behavior, habit, or structure—not just how it feels, but what it is.

4. My Contribution or Blind Spot
→ Where might you be avoiding something? Or holding back? What have you not communicated clearly? Where might your reactions be shaping the outcome, even just a little?

5. A Potential (Concrete) Solution
→ Name one thing—just one—that could help things move forward. A routine, a boundary, a conversation, a system. It doesn’t have to fix everything. It just has to create movement.

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For us, it ended up that not one thing in particular was this huge issue on its own.
It was more like six or seven smaller things that had started stacking up.
Each one adding just a little more pressure.

And when I finally looked at them clearly—when I laid them out and put them into categories—it didn’t feel like this one giant, impossible problem anymore.
It felt like a bunch of smaller ones.
And most of them were pretty manageable.
We just hadn’t named them yet.

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📋 EXAMPLE: SHARED RESPONSIBILITIES AT HOME

This is one example. You could use the same structure to reflect on anything from communication issues, to how money is spent, to how intimacy has changed in a relationship.

AREA OF LIFE: Daily responsibilities (at home or in partnership)

1. What I’m Angry About:
I feel like I’m doing most of the household work lately, and it feels unfair.

2. What They Might Be Experiencing:
They may not even realize how much I’m doing—or they might feel maxed out in other ways and just not have the bandwidth to notice.

3. The Tangible Issue:
There’s no clear system for who does what, so things keep falling unevenly—and it leaves me feeling resentful.

4. My Contribution:
I haven’t asked directly for help. I just keep pushing through and hoping they’ll notice.

5. A Potential Solution:
We could set aside 10 minutes on Sunday nights to go over the week ahead and divide responsibilities more intentionally—so it’s not all falling on whoever gets to it first.

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⏳WHY THIS WORKS

When you lay it out like this, a few things happen:
• You see that it’s not all bad—it’s just a lot at once.
• You get to name what actually matters most right now.
• You stop dumping raw pain and start offering clarity and openings.

Most importantly:
You start showing up not just as someone who’s hurt—but as someone who’s trying.
Trying to understand. Trying to take responsibility. Trying to make it better, without losing yourself in the process.

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🧭MISALIGNED ENERGY, NOT JUST MISCOMMUNICATION

What I found when I really dug in?
Almost every argument boiled down to the same two things:
• Where our time was going
• Where our energy was going

That’s it.

Time and energy are the currencies of any relationship.
And when one person feels like they’re giving too much—or not getting enough—it breeds resentment fast.

In our case, it wasn’t just about chores or finances or parenting. It was about how we were both running on fumes.
Both trying. Both tired.
Both keeping score without realizing we were playing two different games.

Once we talked, it became clear:
We weren’t actually fighting each other.
We were both just trying to make space for ourselves in a period of life that had become too crowded.

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💡EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS DIFFERENT ROLES—AND THAT’S OKAY

Another thing that came up was this:
Just because we’re equal doesn’t mean our roles are identical.

She’s a mom. I’m a dad. We move through the world differently.
She carries things I don’t see. I think through things she doesn’t feel.
And I had to remember: that’s not a flaw in the system. That’s the design.

We each bring something unique to the table.
But if we’re not careful, those differences can start to look like imbalances.
Resentment creeps in.
We start keeping score instead of keeping each other grounded.

So part of our healing came from recognizing:
We’re not meant to contribute in the same way.
We’re meant to contribute in complementary ways.
Remembering that took a lot of pressure off.

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🌿THIS DOESN’T END WITH A FAIRY TALE

I wish I could tell you that one big conversation fixed everything.
But that’s not how this works.
Relationships don’t “get solved.”
They get practiced.

We’ll forget again.
We’ll fall out of sync again.
But we’ll also remember what it takes to get back to each other.
And each time, we’ll get a little faster. A little softer. A little better.

So wherever you are, whether you’re sitting in the heat of a disagreement or trying to come back from one—know this:

• You don’t have to fix it right away
• You don’t have to be right
• You just have to be honest, patient, and willing to stay in it long enough to grow

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📝SOMETHING TO REFLECT ON

• What emotion have I been trying to speak from—before it’s ready?
• Where is my energy going right now—and is that aligned with what I value?
• Where do I feel misunderstood—and what would I need to feel seen again?
• What strengths do I bring to my relationships that I’ve been forgetting?

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And as always, members get a free 1-on-1 call—so if you’re working through something and want to talk, I’ve got space on the calendar this week. Also opening up space for follow-ups this week so if we’ve already done a call and you’re ready to keep going, lets keep going

Schedule here: Book your time

Take care of yourself. And be kind to the people you love, even when it’s hard.
Especially when it’s hard. (note-to-self)

– Tyler