đŻ Focus on what you want.
6 Mindset shifts to eliminate negative thinking
My morning work was done. I had just cleaned the house, just showered, changed, pulled on a fresh pair of pants straight from the laundry, finally made myself a cup of coffee. I sat down at my desk, adjusted it, and as I reached over to start typingâbam. I knocked the entire cup of coffee over. All over the desk, all over the floor, all over myself. And weirdly, my first instinct wasnât even full-on frustrationâit was more like a quiet disappointment. The kids had just gone down for their nap, and my wife had laid down too, so I didnât want to run the coffee machine again and risk waking anyone. This was supposed to be my resetâmy second work block. But instead of sitting in that moment, stewing, I just pulled a bandana from my pocket and wiped up what I could, used my shirt for the rest, walked inside to toss the clothes in the hamper, changed, poured myself a glass of water, and headed back outside.
Thatâs when it hit meâthere was a time when something like this wouldâve derailed my whole afternoon. I wouldâve sat in the disappointment, spiraled a little, tied it to other frustrationsâmistakes Iâve made, work Iâm behind on, places in life I donât feel ahead. It wouldâve turned a small moment into a big one. But two things saved me today. First, I focused on what I wantedâto clean it up and get back to workâinstead of obsessing over the mess. And second, I had actually been on top of my day. The house was clean. The work was done. There was room for a mistake like this, and it didnât have to take me under.
Today, I want to talk about that first oneâbecause thatâs the part that stuck with me. The shift from avoiding what I donât want⌠to actively moving toward what I do.
đ§ CORE INSIGHTS
⢠Focusing on what you want brings peace and direction; focusing on what you fear often brings chaos
⢠Fear-based motivation can prevent dangerâbut it rarely creates anything meaningful
⢠Your mindset in small moments (like spilled coffee) echoes how you handle the big ones
⢠Teaching or parenting (this can go for teaching/parenting ourselves too) from fear leads to resistance or confusion.
⢠Avoidance might protect you, but desire moves you
⢠You canât create joy by focusing on avoiding discomfort
⢠Every inconvenience is a moment to practice attention, intention, and direction
đŻ SIX WAYS TO SHIFT FROM AVOIDANCE TO DIRECTION
So much of our thinking starts with what we donât want. Thatâs natural. Itâs how weâve been trained. And sometimes itâs even usefulâfear can protect us. But staying in that headspace too long keeps us stuck.
These six mindset shifts are about refocusing. About turning your energy toward what you do want. Same life, different direction. And that small internal pivot can change everything.
1. đ§ FEAR VS. DESIRE: SAME TASK, DIFFERENT ENERGY
So much of our thinking is rooted in avoidance. We're trying not to mess up, not to look lazy, not to fall behind. But trying not to spill the coffee isnât the same as actually drinking it. Not failing is not the same as succeeding.
When youâre focused on fear or avoidance, it might protect youâbut it wonât get you the results youâre really looking for. And it definitely wonât give you any joy in the process. Thatâs the shift Iâve been working on lately. Less of the âdonât mess this upâ energy. More of the âthis matters to meâ energy.
Same task. Whole different mindset. One drains you. The other energizes you. That difference changes everything.
2. đ ď¸ HALF-TAUGHT LESSONS
The other day my toddler wanted to help me mow the lawn. Totally unsafe situationâbut instead of explaining that, I found myself reacting. âDonât touch that.â âYouâre gonna get hurt.â And then I caught myself. He didnât know what I was seeing. He wasnât trying to be recklessâhe was just curious. So I stopped, took the battery out of the electric mower, flipped it over, and showed him the blades. âThis is how it works. This is how it cuts grass. This is why you have to be careful.â That shifted the whole interaction. It became a lesson, not a threat. And I think we do that to ourselves too. We use fear and shame to try to stay safe. But real understanding not only keeps us safe, but helps us utilize the knowledge we learn.
3. đ FOCUS ON WHAT IS, NOT WHAT SHOULD/COULD BE
I think a lot of us walk through the day trying to optimize everything. I need this much time to work out. I need quiet. I need the right clothes, the right energy, no interruptions. But life rarely gives you that.
Earlier in the day, my daughter woke up in a mood. I donât know what happenedâmaybe she just needed some one-on-one time. And I really wanted to get a workout in. So I met the moment where it was. I picked her up, and I walked with her on the treadmill. It wasnât the full workout I wanted, but it was something. It was movement. It was connection.
And later, when I spilled my coffee right as I sat down to work, I thought back to that moment. I couldâve let it throw off my whole afternoon. I couldâve told myself, there goes the day. But I didnât. I cleaned it up, got some water, and got back to it.
Neither moment went according to plan. But both became something usefulâbecause I focused on what was, not what I wished it had been. When you can meet the moment honestly, work with whatâs in front of you, and stop waiting for conditions to be perfect⌠you often end up with more than you expected.
The key isnât perfection. The key is focusâon what you have, what you can do, and what matters now.
4. đ AVOIDANCE IS A LOOP
For a long time, Iâve been trying to reduce my screen time. But ironically, the more I focused on reducing screen time, the more screen time I ended up using. I'd get caught in the loopâGoogling dumb phones, watching videos about habit change, looking up detox methodsâand my screen time would go up because I was so focused on it.
Thatâs the trap: the more you focus on what you donât want, the more you feed it. I was giving all my energy to the thing I was trying to escape. And thatâs how focus worksâit doesnât care whether itâs positive or negative. It just multiplies whatever you aim it at.
At any given moment, I can either pick up my phone⌠or pick up a book. But if Iâm stuck thinking I donât want to be on my phone, I need to reduce screen time, and thatâs where all my mental energy is going, the thought of reading a book doesnât even get the chance to enter my mind. I forget itâs even an option.
And thatâs the trap. Focusing on the thing you're avoiding keeps you orbiting around it.
The solution is also focusâbut this time, placed on what you do want, rather than what you donât.
5. đą FROM SURVIVAL TO CREATION
Fear helps you survive. But survival isnât enough (well⌠sometimes it is). Anyways, I wonât get into that right now⌠the point Iâm trying to make is that we all want to thrive, create, enjoy. Fear doesnât get you there. It just keeps you from dying (which is important too). If you want to build a life that feels real and meaningful (beyond basic survival), you'll need a directionânot just a defense mechanism.
6. đĄ EMOTIONS AS SIGNALS, NOT STOP SIGNS
Anger, anxiety, frustrationâthey're signals. Not enemies. Not failures. What are they trying to tell you? Where are they pointing? Instead of saying âI shouldnât feel this way,â ask âWhat do I want instead?â
đ§đž FRAMEWORK: FROM AVOIDANCE TO DIRECTION
Most of us are used to talking about what we donât want.
I donât want to lose my job. I need to stop drinking. I shouldnât spend so much time on my phone.
But hereâs the problem: your mind doesnât respond well to negatives. It orients around focusânot avoidance. Whatever you focus on, expands.
The shift is simpleâbut itâs not always easy:
You have to train your mind to speak in directional languageâlanguage rooted in where youâre going, not what youâre running from.
Try this rule:
â No âno,â ânot,â âstop,â âdonât,â âcanât,â or âwonâtâ in your goal or affirmation.
â
Only language that points forward, toward what you want to experience more of.
EXAMPLES:
⢠Instead of: I donât want to lose my job
â Try: I want to grow in my role and feel secure in my work.
⢠Instead of: I need to stop drinking
â Try: I want to feel clear, hydrated, and in control of my choices.
⢠Instead of: I donât want to waste so much time on my phone
â Try: I want to spend more time reading, moving, and being with people I love.
⢠Instead of: I donât want to argue so much with my partner
â Try: I want to feel heard, connected, and calm in my relationship.
Oh and by the way - Thereâs nothing wrong with starting from a place of avoidance.
Avoidance can be a signalâI donât want to feel this way anymore. I donât want to keep doing this. Thatâs real. Thatâs valid.
But avoidance doesnât offer direction. It can show you where you donât want to be, but it wonât tell you where to go.
So the work is to start with that honest signalâand then translate it into directional language.
Language that points forward. Language that tells your body and mind where to move next.
đ§đž MEDITATION: THE DIRECTION TEST
Find a quiet space. Take 5â7 minutes. No pressure to get it perfect.
1. Name the situation or fear.
Whatâs been weighing on you lately? A habit, a relationship, a fear?
Say it simply, without judgment. Let it be honest.
This is your starting point.
2. Notice the language.
Are you thinking in avoidance?
Thoughts like: I donât want to mess this up. I canât go back. I need to stop doing X.
Just notice. This is how most of us were taught to think. No shame.
3. Now flip it.
Ask yourself: What do I want instead?
Say it using directional language.
Let it reflect what you want more of, instead of what youâre trying to avoid.
Examples of directional language:
⢠I want to feel __________.
⢠Being _________ is important to me.
⢠I would love to feel _________.
⢠I want to focus more on _________.
⢠Iâd like more time for _________.
Let this new sentence structure anchor your mind.
4. Visualize one step.
Picture a small action you could take today that moves you in that direction.
Nothing dramatic. Just one step that says, this matters to me.
5. Seal it.
Take a deep breath.
Say (out loud or quietly):
Iâm moving toward something meaningful.
Hold the thought. Then release.
6. Sit with it.
For the rest of the time, just breathe.
If avoidance or negative thoughts come in, gently redirect.
Use directional language to come back to what matters.
If you feel overwhelmed, focus on your breath.
Inhale slowly. Exhale slowly. Let your body settle.
đą FINAL THOUGHT
Thereâs nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself. But if all you do is guard against disaster, youâll never create the life youâre hungry for. The next time you find yourself trying to dodge discomfort, pause. Ask: What am I actually trying to move toward?
See yâall in the next one.
â Tyler